Today I turn 35. And you would think that I would feel at least a day over 12. But I don’t. I still feel that awkward, pre-pubescent, incongruent displacement with the rest of the world.

I so often don’t feel like I fit in yet. In with other moms, at work, in my clothes. When I was young, I thought that someday, someday it would happen, I would find my niche and I would be able to breathe easy, comfortable.

I say yet but I think at this point it’s never going to happen. And maybe I don’t it want to.  (Maybe no one does.)

I’m okay with it most of the time. Until it seems to effect others and my interaction with them. That is when I seek distance, a buffer.

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone that includes my family. My five-year-old monster of love and her dad. They keep me here, in this place between non-existence and the rest of the world, the place that is just beautiful us, in all our familiarity and cellular equity.

We are the same us three – mama, dada, baby. DNA combined. Existential ramblings understood. And so much love, I finally have a place I fit.


6 Responses to “35”

  1. bettina Says:

    happy birthday! best wishes for the year to come!

    fyi: i stumbled across your blog last summer when i was looking for information on elizabeth gilbert’s book, and i have come back almost every day since. you give me strength to go on as an independent women in this crazy mixed up world we live in. thank you for giving me something to look forward to.

    – bettina

  2. Oh my heart. Thank you Bettina!

  3. The world is not easy for any of us ~ some are just better pretenders..

  4. Happy Birthday!
    oh that not fitting in feeling. We had a sitter (very rare for us) on Sat, and I felt like the teen who doesn’t know how to talk to the popular kids. Except I’m 38! And I hired this teenager to watch my kids- why on earth am I feeling inadequate?

  5. um, are those your knees?
    I hope you had a great birthday.

    ps – it’s a good thing to not fit in. Being comfortable is important – but fitting in? It’s overrated. and boring. I tried and failed (HS) and I am so totally over it. (this week anyway :-))

  6. Oh, I know it’s good not to fit in, in the prom queen sense. Just feeling out-of-touch as of late – even with my freaky peeps.

    Yes, my knees – lovely eh?

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