Mama Pangs

Today I wanted to put Autumn back inside of me to protect her from the entire world – well the entire word mostly meaning me. Today I fought with my husband in front of Autumn (bad!) I was too sick and just bored of playing “animals” – her most favorite game.

It was so much easier when I had her packed away inside my skin. She wasn’t disappointed, sad or watching me yell across the room. I wish there was a way to wrap her in some bubble that played her favorite music anytime I see something wounding come her way. The sad thing is it is most likely me doing the inflicting even though all my heart is hers.

I know all the reality check advice – that she needs to see us argue and come together again and that I cannot keep her sheltered from harm. I know. I know. I know. But some moments I just want to tuck her back from whence she came just so I can relax for the first time in three plus years. Because as long as I walk this troubled earth, I will be a rubber-band ball of nerves and worry that only wants to spare my daughter the pain and disappointment that goes along with living.

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